Monday, October 4, 2010

Layer of Lament... Sel(fish)

What's that feeling, when you're built up only to be shot down. Disappointment? There's got to be something more descriptive than that. Maybe the definition should have my picture next to it.

Einstein said- It's all relative, right? When you have been through massive life-changing trauma as I have, it seems certain issues are completely lame in comparison. I'd like to say I understand that certain people's issues, or "trauma's" are just as important and devastating to them, as the sudden loss of my entire family has been to me, but I can't. When you've been hit by a train, puked on by a bergie, then fed to the sharks in the deep Atlantic, the prospect of losing your boyfriend or getting sick feels somewhat of an issue that need not need much moaning about. But on the other hand, to say something like that makes me seem selfish- absorbed in my own problems, with no sympathy for others.

Sympathy? Yes. Empathy? No. 

The phrase "Take a walk in my shoes" is one I often think to myself... As much as I'd like to pretend these things haven't happened, they have. And I need to stop feeling guilty for experiencing all the things I am. Others have always come first. And this is the case in way too many good people in our world, but how do you take that leap and be selfish- without feeling the guilt? Materialities aside, as everyone has their own definition of what selfish may be, but what I'm talking about here is taking control of your own emotional needs without feeling the burn of what society deems selfish and self-absorbed. As cliched as it might sound... I often wonder when the time will come when things, good things, will start happening for me.

Count my blessings you say? Fuck that. 

This is the type of selfish I need to be.

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