Thursday, October 7, 2010

Fear and Loathing here in my Mind.

Sitting behind this desk, in this office for the second last time, I'm fighting my body to not burst out into a rage of absolute panic.  The past few months, I used this place as a means of procrastination. Now the time has come, and I have no direction, I'm sure of absolutely nothing and the opportunities at this stage are equal to nil.  I hear my mother's voice telling me it's alright, things will fall into place, I will find something. But without her to keep telling me that... I find myself holding back the tears almost every second. I fear the silence, the isolation the doubt and stress that awaits me when I sit at home next week.

Nothing I do, nothing I achieve means anything anymore. There's no one to share it with, no one to be proud of it, no one to encourage me. Excuse my self pity, but as it stands, I've held it back for a while now.

What the fuck is to come of me?
I'm utterly alone here.

How do you face it with no one on your side? Never in a thousand years would I have thought all this would happen by the time I'm 23. Why? Why seems like such a silly question to ask. To begin to put into words what I feel is impossible. Sometimes words explain things... but not this. There is no way to describe or make you understand what this feels like. This feeling, this reality, this is my past. My future. My reality.

Tears no longer alleviate my grief. Screaming, howling, punching, breaking. Nothing. So what now? All emotion has a cloud over it. Everything that comes through me is clouded with them.  Coated with what they left behind. Smothered with memories. Choked with what happened. 

I'm a shadow of the person I could have been.

1 comment:

  1. This post made me cry a bit, but I'm glad we swapped blog addresses. I'm so sorry that you've had to endure so much heartache, but I believe that you will find your purpose in life, and maybe you can't see it now, but you're a beautiful person with so much to offer the world. I will never be able to comprehend your pain, but I'm here for you. Xxx Z